The power of "pain"! I would had never imagine how strong of a hold it has on your mind and emotions. I have been living with this constant pain which tends to be most days. I been constant for a year now, not trying to complain!
My husband and I go walking for several hours every weekend but the pain was so bad yesterday that I would just walk quickly to get away from that crazy loud , odd noise, that cause my pain to get worse, dang I thought my head was going explode . John would grab me and look at me and be so upset while telling me how I could have been hit by the on coming car, I told him that I didn't care for the pain would stop then. crazy right!
Pain can be so bad that a person can't think in the right frame of mind. You'll tend to get angry instead of feeling joy, or to happiness, which is now a goal of mine. I'am trying to learn to live with the pain and be happy, plus I think I want to go back to work.
Going back to work while having daily pain that certain common sounds bring so much pain that I will fall to my knees and want to cry. This is one thing that I am wanting to change in my messed up or lets say boring life which I have lived for too many years.
My doctors told me that I need all these pills and not knowing better I became addicted . My first marriage fail apart but I kinda thought it would for I only married him to get away from my Mom which never works! I do love my daughters from that marriage this is before John who walked into their lives as teenagers oh he must have loved me,,
I would say within a year of being divorced my life was screwed up! I started smoking weed, which you got to remember was in the early 70's so it was amazing, some was taking a drug, it was crazy fun. The hash and it's oil, the paper ,dip in oil blotter, LSD, I could go on but this mostly lead to speed.
It might sound strange but I never cared for the taste of any kind of alcohol ! Oh boy though did Miss Sissy, LOL she was so drunk one night that she ran across the hall into my apartment with a pair of scissors, aimed straight at my chest! Thank the dear Lord, he had my room mate Gail sitting next to me and she stopped her dead on, crazy night!
I needed a job so Sissy my neighbor got me a job with her waiting tables at a fancy place that they actually had and used under ground tunnels in the basement, in the Civil War for slaves to get free. Speed was the answer for a waiting tables and doing buffets.
Money for drugs of course but kids still came first. I made alot of money and they were little tot's so we had plenty to get some beds and other much needed household items slowly at least :) Let me jump back and tell you that a daughter to 2 parent who also had four brothers.
Yikes that was so hard for reasons I will not to go into at the moment for its a story to tell. Sissy and I did our speed and smoked the best weed most of the time why it was only 30to 40 a bag considering the date it was still a good price for of course the right dealer and wow you had killer stuff.
I have to admit that I fell in love with it over the years of valium and klonopin, the other two drugs that I held on to through the years valium I took 20 yrs, the klonopin I worked down to .5 of 1 pill and my Mom died and I relapsed back to 3 of them and started medical weed. this was a hard winter for me so much lost.
I ended up losing my entire family except for 3 text messages from one brother now that is sad but they blasted me, oh my goodness so many stories to tell . I can say it is so nice to have someone to now talk too. I'll be back :)
Today has been a bear for me since my pain level has been off the charts since this morning. This is 5 straight days without any break. A few hours sounds good but it's what they call life right. I would had been in pain at home or out walking, so John and I went on a walk.
A walk that started at 12:15 until 4:00p.m. mostly climbing hills and it was so windy and chilly to cold and it's only sept. yikes I hope it's not a early cold winter. I honestly wouldn't mind that as long as it just stayed cold. Last year was so painful due to 20 degree temp changes a day and it seemed to rain half the week or more it was so wet, yuck!
Again due to trying to get away from sounds or just not being able to think straight, John had to pull me out of traffic twice again today plus I kept losing my balance. I think that might be because Iam down to 102lbs and my doctor just check's my thyroid. Granted I do have a hyper thyroid but there are other things going on with our bodies right .
I tried to center myself while we climb up and up the hills
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